MERRY CHRISTMAS HOPEE BELLE XOXO
Made it out of Russia, but got stuck in Paris for the night Dec.23,2009!
PERFECT HANDS & CHEEKS;)
ALSO, MY LONG PARIS POST;)
Today (Dec.24, 2009), Freddy & I were lucky to get on a plane from Paris to Houston. It was not the final destination we wanted, but we’re sure glad GOD got us on that plane out of Paris! Hopefully from Houston, we can catch a plane to Miami/Ft. Lauderdale, where we will return to our boys & family for mami’s famous ’ Noche Buena meal’ (Christmas Eve dinner). I cannot sit here and complain too much about being stuck in Paris; (even though it was tiring running around and getting bumped all day yesterday), because after we had given up, we decided to go to a Hotel and see Paris for a night. We’ve always talked about being in Paris, for only a day and having a ‘café au lait’ by the Eifel Tower…and this day had come sooner than anticipated. We were really thrilled for this spontaneous experience & opportunity. I mean really, what’s better than being poor and stranded in Paris? LOL, that is how we felt! We ended up taking the train & Metro to ‘Les Champs Elysee’ street, where we walked out on this beautifully lit sparkling street, that had shopping centers of every designer (true, you can’t beat the fashion of Paris). Freddy and I have this joke, about Moscow (because we couldn’t communicate) we ate at ‘Mcdonald’s (pathetic I know), so because Paris was not planned, I said to him, “should we eat at the Mcdonald’s in Paris and become Mcdonald’s Conaisseurs?“ He laughed and said yuck, and we ate at fancy place called ‘Devez’ by Eiffel. We ordered very tasty skirt steak, and a café au lait for dessert. We then walked out and began our prominade to the Tour de Eiffel. It was now dark and it was easy and quick to spot this beautiful wonder. I was teasing Freddy about us waiting nine years to see this sight..he said he has made up for things by making this a Moscow/Paris trip…I agree;)Once we got tickets to go all the way up to the top floor of the Eiffel Tower, we just took in this beauty. The lights of the city far below, the traffic and noise. Truly, Paris is beautiful! When we were about to descend, Freddy noticed the champagne bar that they have, and reminded me that My uncle Arturo had been in Paris exactly where we were not too long ago, with pictures near the champagne bar and his wedding ring in the glass…sounds too romantic to be true..and so tragically so, all at the same time. I felt grief once again hit me. I am glad he got to see such beauty prior to his passing, he deserved to have a preview of the calibur of beauty, that was to come soon, in his next life.
I haven’t been a great traveling blogger like the rest of you so easily portrayed on your journies. Sorry, I lacked here, when I was expected to be with it. Because we traveled stand by, a portion of our trip was so unorganized and risky (well most of it;)..so the nerves and exhaustion was quite overpowering. I can tell you though (I am typing this on the plane), that this entire experience has been just powerful, enlightening, magical and 110% positive! I can’t say enough good things about all the members from our adoption agency/team…and of course all of the supportive PAP’s who have been like little guardian angels!
I really did not have it in me to type up an impressive first glance post, when I met Hope that day. I guess the shock of it all was just too much on so many levels. I really wanted to fill you guys in the most detailed way..but did not have it in me. I was taken and surprised by my own actions that day December 22nd, the day we met with DOE and the day I held Hope. I thought, it would be easy to meet this child, I thought I was immediately going to know all, I was even ready perhaps, to fight for my daughter’s information if I had to, in order to be ‘on top of everything’..like the whole adoption experience we as PAP’s are always trying to ‘try’ to do something. Well folks, what I have learned about all this and about Hope is…that all this time, Hope was on top of me. GOD knew who she was a long time ago. I was in control of nothing. When I started realizing this it was not all at once, but in small spurts that were very magical to the heart and to the eyes…that day I feel like I was not able to plan anything, but rather follow and do. I followed Hope’s needs and commands, Freddy listened to her and gave in to her every need..it hit me like a ton of bricks. I cannot tell you enough how impressed I was with the man I married! The same man who said he was fine with boys; the same man, who had said that he was a ‘go with the flow’ kinda guy…was not any of these things that day. I felt so imcompetent compared to him and what he did for Hope. He had her tapping away on the laptop (she acted like she had been doing that with him, her whole life! She was holding his face, and talking to him..gosh, it was scary even…this was GOD’s gift, through GOD’s eyes…I almost shut down completely (I couldn’t even cry)! And I really wanted to! You know how we women are sometimes, we just ’want to cry’..well I couldn’t! Hope immediately responded to her name…if that is even possible guys! Hope has been in our lives a long time it seems. I wish I could have been there for her sooner..but GOD just has his ways and his timing I guess. I cry as I wite this…because you do not understand how apart of me feels guilty or I feel like I wish I would have taken even more pictures of her, or I wish I would have been more alive for her…because it was really hard when they took her away and she was looking back at us, trying to still get a glimpse of us. Freddy cried a lot and said he wished rules would/could get bent for these kids. It’s not fair! Why does it have to be so hard for these babies? Why can’t we just rescue them right away..why do he have to leave them, and dissapoint them over and over again? Being a mother of biological children, I can tell you that it was very different for me to be handed a child like a sac of potatoes, and immediately connect her to me. I felt awkward (especially with her crying). You know how they say, the minute your baby hears your voice he/she will stop crying? Or that you feel these overwhelming feelings of love and happiness etc. When I started to take Hope in visually, get accustomed to her as being my daughter (the addition to our boys)..I felt delayed, and I even felt grief…if that even makes sense. When the newborn baby is handed to you all swaddled up, you look and you say oh ya that makes sense. With Hope, I looked at her and felt..lol oh gosh she’s a girl..how can I compare her to her brothers? Then I felt, oh my-her clothes are so tight, her clothes don’t fit, how many layers did they smother her with? Why is my daughter wheezing? She can’t breathe! I can’t do anything about this? This is awful! I grieved at her history (which is not a bad one, not at all, were very fortunate) though, why wasn’t I here sooner for her? How am I going to tell her that we waited a year later? I dunno, this I guess because I can compare to my birthing experience…it was tough to take it all in. Its not as easy as everyone thinks. Though, our agency’s team was so helpful and uderstanding and just truly little angels all part of helping Hopee get home to her family where she belongs. I will never forget these people, or Russia.
Russia is not somewhere we’d say ‘oh ya it’s our favorite place to vacation…Russia has become apart of our heart/home, because it was where Hope was born. Our children will visit Russia often, to celebrate Hope in our family! Anyway, as you can tell right now I have had the time to sit and think and type to you, because this really matters to me, to explain myself. I was disappointed in myself for not being informative enough at a time that was in essence to be, for all the future PAP’s out there. You need this because I needed this to get through, and to hope, and to understand and carry me on the days I needed to be carried. I would take in such experiences and pray I would someday have my own. Also, I may decide to print all of these and put it in Hope’s life book. If I wait, I will forget, especially with Christmas & the holidays that we will be lost in. There are a couple other things I have to also mention here, to make sure it’s clear and remembered for me and Hope in case I forget…
Hopee, when mommy was waiting to get on the plane the 24th of December 2009...she would often pull out your pictures..some came in blurry, I guess because of a nervous hand, but I just could not forget your little Angel face. A familiar face even, you remind me so much of your brother Mackenzie at your age. The more I would look at you, the more I saw your daddy and me in you. You are our little girl, the one we would talk and dream about. What more can we ask for? What GOD has done for us, no one will even know until they meet and see you! Now I’m crying again! It feels very strange to be emotional like this, kind of like postpartum emotions. I am crying now and I wasn’t crying then…I do not know why this is; but, I cry Hopee - that I am leaving without you. I cry also Hopee because of how happy you have made your father. I asked GOD to make sure that Freddy (your daddy) was ready for you. I wanted Daddy to understand all that I had been feeling the 12 months that we waited for you…and I think through you Hopee, GOD made daddy understand everything in a very short period of time. If it wasn’t for us already knowing your name I would have called you Miracle…because that is what your are Hopee a little Miracle! I think that Miracles and Dreams are both special and closely related; because, GOD gave man the ability and opportunity to attain and have Dreams…but I feel now, that Miracles, are only done/caused by GOD!
Also, I wanted to write that your brothers are so excited that they have not stopped calling us on this trip. They said that they would have so much fun with YAYA & NANA without us..(naughty boys), but I have a feeling, they feel very left out -because, of not being able to see you and play with you themselves;)
I leave you with something else:
Getting on this flight today was going to be impossible, so I figured I was going to spend another day sitting in the airport looking at Hopee pictures. Though I prayed real hard that we would get on to get home for Christmas. Because, Christmas is only Christmas when we’re all together, especially this year. When the attendant called our names up at the podium, I was shocked (this plane was over sold by 16). Freddy went to collect our tickets. I saw an older lady crying right next to him…after Freddy returned he had a disappointed look on his face, and I thought it was cause we were not going to get on again. He said we were; but that the older couple just got bumped by us! They are parents of a pilot, and had been waiting to go home for 5 days now! We both looked at each other and sympathized (Paris is an awful/confusing airport, especially if you don’t speak French). So, then Fred said “it’s Christmas, and everyone should be able to get home!” He immediately, went to apply for ‘jump seat (the extra seat in the cockpit with pilot). And with the grace of GOD, Freddy landed jumpseat, and I again got first class, along with the couple landing first class!! The lady cried profusely! Thanking Freddy! I kissed him and cried too…Hopee your gonna be in love with your father..he’s one of a kind!