GOD's Very own HANDS

We witness a miracle every time a child enters into life. But those who make their journey home across time & miles, growing within the hearts of those who wait to love them are carried on the wings of destiny and placed among us by God's very own hands.
--- Kristi Larson


P.S. I keep looking back at our trip, and I am dumbfounded! Because, there is just no way-that Fred and I could have done this on our own..just no way..

Philippians 4:13 (New International Version)
13I can do everything through him who gives me strength

Missing HOPE!

Hey guys,

Thought I'd stop in and share a few things..guess it's important to elaborate on our feelings, now that Christmas is over and we are settled in. Well, I think we recovered from the jet lag & time zone thing pretty quickly; but our missing Hopee, hmmmm.. that's a different story. I think it hurts more now than ever! We attended birthday parties yesterday, and I feel apart of us is missing. We always look at our pics and video footage of Hopee, and we cry all over again, or we smile and hug and just know that it will be soon, that, we will return for our girl. Friends and family are very excited and anxious for Hope to finally come home. I am pushing myself to start getting occupied with her 'Life Book'..but instead, I kinda mope and slump down and just stare at the pics some more. I have no idea what is waiting for us second trip around...or wether it will be one more trip or two, its a tough call! Our family says, to go and wait out the ten days...but then we remember the tough, pushy, 3 days and kinda cringe and smile and say...we dunno bout that;)

Hey, you know what other story I forgot to mention to you guys about our mortification in Paris?

The night we visited the Eiffel tower, we had to take the train back (and were very very tired). Once we got to the Hotel (finally) we packed our bags and set our alarm for 5am to be sure we were going to get on the early flights to the U.S. Well anyway then we tried to get some sleep. When the phone rang (we thought it was the alarm) we jumped up and got dressed and hurried to the lobby to check out and wait for the shuttle. The gentleman at the desk seemed so puzzled (I was tired and annoyed by his expression)..especially without my coffee! He proceeded to ask us where we were going and which flight we were trying to catch...we said the 6AM of course!DUHH!
He immediately started to hysterically laugh, and told us to look at the clock on the wall-it was only 1AM!!!!

Freddy and I looked on our phone and looked back at the clock..then we painfully laughed too! Gee how nice...'Stupid Americans!'

We went back to the room checked the phone again (our eldest son was trying to call us) and so, we requested a 'wake up' call instead, this time and slept with our clothes on...GRRRR!

WISHING YOU ALL A HAPPY & BLESSED NEW YEAR!

WE'RE FINALLY HOME!!! YEAHHH!!

WE ARE HOME!!!

Dec.24th,2009 -Arrived at 6pm in Ft. Lauderdale from Houston (we were able to quickly connect)! We felt like we were guided by GOD:)

Thank You Lord for such a SPECIAL CHRISTMAS & 2009!
-And for having all FOUR of my children's best interest in mind;)

Events of December 23- 24-25...& Home Sweet Home!

MERRY CHRISTMAS HOPEE BELLE XOXO




Made it out of Russia, but got stuck in Paris for the night Dec.23,2009!

PERFECT HANDS & CHEEKS;)


ALSO, MY LONG PARIS POST;)

Today (Dec.24, 2009), Freddy & I were lucky to get on a plane from Paris to Houston. It was not the final destination we wanted, but we’re sure glad GOD got us on that plane out of Paris! Hopefully from Houston, we can catch a plane to Miami/Ft. Lauderdale, where we will return to our boys & family for mami’s famous ’ Noche Buena meal’ (Christmas Eve dinner). I cannot sit here and complain too much about being stuck in Paris; (even though it was tiring running around and getting bumped all day yesterday), because after we had given up, we decided to go to a Hotel and see Paris for a night. We’ve always talked about being in Paris, for only a day and having a ‘café au lait’ by the Eifel Tower…and this day had come sooner than anticipated. We were really thrilled for this spontaneous experience & opportunity. I mean really, what’s better than being poor and stranded in Paris? LOL, that is how we felt! We ended up taking the train & Metro to ‘Les Champs Elysee’ street, where we walked out on this beautifully lit sparkling street, that had shopping centers of every designer (true, you can’t beat the fashion of Paris). Freddy and I have this joke, about Moscow (because we couldn’t communicate) we ate at ‘Mcdonald’s (pathetic I know), so because Paris was not planned, I said to him, “should we eat at the Mcdonald’s in Paris and become Mcdonald’s Conaisseurs?“ He laughed and said yuck, and we ate at fancy place called ‘Devez’ by Eiffel. We ordered very tasty skirt steak, and a café au lait for dessert. We then walked out and began our prominade to the Tour de Eiffel. It was now dark and it was easy and quick to spot this beautiful wonder. I was teasing Freddy about us waiting nine years to see this sight..he said he has made up for things by making this a Moscow/Paris trip…I agree;)Once we got tickets to go all the way up to the top floor of the Eiffel Tower, we just took in this beauty. The lights of the city far below, the traffic and noise. Truly, Paris is beautiful! When we were about to descend, Freddy noticed the champagne bar that they have, and reminded me that My uncle Arturo had been in Paris exactly where we were not too long ago, with pictures near the champagne bar and his wedding ring in the glass…sounds too romantic to be true..and so tragically so, all at the same time. I felt grief once again hit me. I am glad he got to see such beauty prior to his passing, he deserved to have a preview of the calibur of beauty, that was to come soon, in his next life.

I haven’t been a great traveling blogger like the rest of you so easily portrayed on your journies. Sorry, I lacked here, when I was expected to be with it. Because we traveled stand by, a portion of our trip was so unorganized and risky (well most of it;)..so the nerves and exhaustion was quite overpowering. I can tell you though (I am typing this on the plane), that this entire experience has been just powerful, enlightening, magical and 110% positive! I can’t say enough good things about all the members from our adoption agency/team…and of course all of the supportive PAP’s who have been like little guardian angels!

I really did not have it in me to type up an impressive first glance post, when I met Hope that day. I guess the shock of it all was just too much on so many levels. I really wanted to fill you guys in the most detailed way..but did not have it in me. I was taken and surprised by my own actions that day December 22nd, the day we met with DOE and the day I held Hope. I thought, it would be easy to meet this child, I thought I was immediately going to know all, I was even ready perhaps, to fight for my daughter’s information if I had to, in order to be ‘on top of everything’..like the whole adoption experience we as PAP’s are always trying to ‘try’ to do something. Well folks, what I have learned about all this and about Hope is…that all this time, Hope was on top of me. GOD knew who she was a long time ago. I was in control of nothing. When I started realizing this it was not all at once, but in small spurts that were very magical to the heart and to the eyes…that day I feel like I was not able to plan anything, but rather follow and do. I followed Hope’s needs and commands, Freddy listened to her and gave in to her every need..it hit me like a ton of bricks. I cannot tell you enough how impressed I was with the man I married! The same man who said he was fine with boys; the same man, who had said that he was a ‘go with the flow’ kinda guy…was not any of these things that day. I felt so imcompetent compared to him and what he did for Hope. He had her tapping away on the laptop (she acted like she had been doing that with him, her whole life! She was holding his face, and talking to him..gosh, it was scary even…this was GOD’s gift, through GOD’s eyes…I almost shut down completely (I couldn’t even cry)! And I really wanted to! You know how we women are sometimes, we just ’want to cry’..well I couldn’t! Hope immediately responded to her name…if that is even possible guys! Hope has been in our lives a long time it seems. I wish I could have been there for her sooner..but GOD just has his ways and his timing I guess. I cry as I wite this…because you do not understand how apart of me feels guilty or I feel like I wish I would have taken even more pictures of her, or I wish I would have been more alive for her…because it was really hard when they took her away and she was looking back at us, trying to still get a glimpse of us. Freddy cried a lot and said he wished rules would/could get bent for these kids. It’s not fair! Why does it have to be so hard for these babies? Why can’t we just rescue them right away..why do he have to leave them, and dissapoint them over and over again? Being a mother of biological children, I can tell you that it was very different for me to be handed a child like a sac of potatoes, and immediately connect her to me. I felt awkward (especially with her crying). You know how they say, the minute your baby hears your voice he/she will stop crying? Or that you feel these overwhelming feelings of love and happiness etc. When I started to take Hope in visually, get accustomed to her as being my daughter (the addition to our boys)..I felt delayed, and I even felt grief…if that even makes sense. When the newborn baby is handed to you all swaddled up, you look and you say oh ya that makes sense. With Hope, I looked at her and felt..lol oh gosh she’s a girl..how can I compare her to her brothers? Then I felt, oh my-her clothes are so tight, her clothes don’t fit, how many layers did they smother her with? Why is my daughter wheezing? She can’t breathe! I can’t do anything about this? This is awful! I grieved at her history (which is not a bad one, not at all, were very fortunate) though, why wasn’t I here sooner for her? How am I going to tell her that we waited a year later? I dunno, this I guess because I can compare to my birthing experience…it was tough to take it all in. Its not as easy as everyone thinks. Though, our agency’s team was so helpful and uderstanding and just truly little angels all part of helping Hopee get home to her family where she belongs. I will never forget these people, or Russia.

Russia is not somewhere we’d say ‘oh ya it’s our favorite place to vacation…Russia has become apart of our heart/home, because it was where Hope was born. Our children will visit Russia often, to celebrate Hope in our family! Anyway, as you can tell right now I have had the time to sit and think and type to you, because this really matters to me, to explain myself. I was disappointed in myself for not being informative enough at a time that was in essence to be, for all the future PAP’s out there. You need this because I needed this to get through, and to hope, and to understand and carry me on the days I needed to be carried. I would take in such experiences and pray I would someday have my own. Also, I may decide to print all of these and put it in Hope’s life book. If I wait, I will forget, especially with Christmas & the holidays that we will be lost in. There are a couple other things I have to also mention here, to make sure it’s clear and remembered for me and Hope in case I forget…

Hopee, when mommy was waiting to get on the plane the 24th of December 2009...she would often pull out your pictures..some came in blurry, I guess because of a nervous hand, but I just could not forget your little Angel face. A familiar face even, you remind me so much of your brother Mackenzie at your age. The more I would look at you, the more I saw your daddy and me in you. You are our little girl, the one we would talk and dream about. What more can we ask for? What GOD has done for us, no one will even know until they meet and see you! Now I’m crying again! It feels very strange to be emotional like this, kind of like postpartum emotions. I am crying now and I wasn’t crying then…I do not know why this is; but, I cry Hopee - that I am leaving without you. I cry also Hopee because of how happy you have made your father. I asked GOD to make sure that Freddy (your daddy) was ready for you. I wanted Daddy to understand all that I had been feeling the 12 months that we waited for you…and I think through you Hopee, GOD made daddy understand everything in a very short period of time. If it wasn’t for us already knowing your name I would have called you Miracle…because that is what your are Hopee a little Miracle! I think that Miracles and Dreams are both special and closely related; because, GOD gave man the ability and opportunity to attain and have Dreams…but I feel now, that Miracles, are only done/caused by GOD!
Also, I wanted to write that your brothers are so excited that they have not stopped calling us on this trip. They said that they would have so much fun with YAYA & NANA without us..(naughty boys), but I have a feeling, they feel very left out -because, of not being able to see you and play with you themselves;)

I leave you with something else:
Getting on this flight today was going to be impossible, so I figured I was going to spend another day sitting in the airport looking at Hopee pictures. Though I prayed real hard that we would get on to get home for Christmas. Because, Christmas is only Christmas when we’re all together, especially this year. When the attendant called our names up at the podium, I was shocked (this plane was over sold by 16). Freddy went to collect our tickets. I saw an older lady crying right next to him…after Freddy returned he had a disappointed look on his face, and I thought it was cause we were not going to get on again. He said we were; but that the older couple just got bumped by us! They are parents of a pilot, and had been waiting to go home for 5 days now! We both looked at each other and sympathized (Paris is an awful/confusing airport, especially if you don’t speak French). So, then Fred said “it’s Christmas, and everyone should be able to get home!” He immediately, went to apply for ‘jump seat (the extra seat in the cockpit with pilot). And with the grace of GOD, Freddy landed jumpseat, and I again got first class, along with the couple landing first class!! The lady cried profusely! Thanking Freddy! I kissed him and cried too…Hopee your gonna be in love with your father..he’s one of a kind!

DOE & Meeting HOPE!

DAY 3 in Russia..A VERY SPECIAL DAY;)




View from Orphanage window...COLDDDDD!

Yes, yes I know I have kept you all waiting all this time...and it is only because we are soooo EXHAUSTED!!

So I am not gonna get into it in such depth..but will give you an overview..and maybe touch back a little later if I feel that I forgot a lot.

Okay, so we went to meet with the Department Of Education (D.O.E.), I was so nervous I thought I was going to stop breathing and faint! We drove there along with another couple (which helped the nerves a lil), and then met another couple from CT...all very nice, and all as nervous as us about the appointment;) When it was our turn to meet with the two nice ladies with smiles on their faces. They asked us brief questions about our home & lifestyle..and then gave us a pic of our referral!!! It was a very surprising pic..a little face I had seen before on the Russian Data Bank, but never pictured her or thought of her as a possible referral (possibly, because she was so young) she was born in 2009. Freddy & I felt very proud and already very emotional!
From there, we got to go immediately, to the orphange to meet our baby. Again, the nerves! Once we entered, we saw a spic & span cleaned baby home covered in a blanket of white snow. We waited a while and then got presented with our baby's history. It was short, but enough to understand, and be able to share with her one day -what she will want to know at some point in her life.

Then soon after, came baby! It was so quick I wasn't prepared! I was just taking in her info and her BM info, and her orphanage given name...it was a lot for me to take in. Then she popped up in her caregivers arms..very curious and already afraid. You can tell that she is Eurasian (very exotic eyes) and a lot paler than I had expected (she must get that from me) hehe..she also seems to be well fed (giggle). She immediately started crying though! And she has a cold and some wheezing;( so it was awful hearing her cry with that lil rattly voice & knowing there was nothing we could do for her. I actually panicked at some point also! I guess not sleeping (I couldn't sleep a wink last night) but surprisingly, I didn't cry! Though, Fred did-alot!

I started reaching for my bag to give her something to calm her; cookies, but she refused and cried more! Then I showed her toys that calmed her a lttle, but the bubbles were the best! She was instantly amused! I started to rock her a little (she is a heavy lil thing), then I offered her a lollipop (yes very bad of me) but she LOVED IT, and SUCKED AWAY! We then took out our blanket, and the rest of the toys, we put her on her tummy but she hated that. Though, I think that with some exercises, she will be much happier. She is a shorty, despite her weight, with tiny hands & feet. They had layered so many onesies on her..I am sure it is not helping her breathing. Freddy then took her away from me (guess he knew I was drowning) and he began showing her pics of the boys, and he put some music on too- (laptop)..she was very entertained and happy. She was jumping, and shaking her head no. She's a smart lil cookie, with quick reaction time and reflexes...so we're proud! she has a horrid haircut, but has beautiful hair (once it grows)...I remember myself asking GOD what it is we are supposed to do and feel (cause I felt overwhelmed & scared even), though, immediately we felt GOD's presence and asked to sign & change her name immediately! (her BM never named her, the orphanage did and she doesn't respond to it..probably cause it just doesn't suit her;) We got copies of her medical info/vaccines etc. I even changed her clothes and gave her the up-down and turn around looksies (I'm a mommy, its what we do;) She is just perfect for us really though...who can ask for more? I hope she will be happy with the change that will (GOD willing), soon take place in her young life (despite the beginning).

Once it was nap time, Fred and I felt sad...;( time flew by so fast (we were lucky to spend 3 hours with her) and we had so much fun and we feel so in love with this little girl;) I think she had fun too, especially with Daddy! We then said our good-byes, she kept turning around to look at us, which really hit Fred & I hard...she even would respond to her new name 'Hopee'! WAHHHHHHHHHH! ;(

Y'know it all took place so fast & went so smoothly- (we quickly became very comfortable with her and the staff)...that, it wasn't till the ride in the car and coming to the apartment, that I started to really get emotional. I keep looking at her pictures..and wishing we had more time, and wishing we didn't have to wait till February to return;( Well...we did all we could up to this point, its in GOD's care. We are so completely, thrilled to be Blessed with this gorgeous little Girl, that, we have decided that we will not see her again till trip 2. And that we will set out tomorrow morning early, (4AM) to try and catch a flight out of here to Paris (we really want to get home in time for Christmas for our boys)...I hope we did a good enough job for Hopee's first Christmas (poor baby)!

May everything be for her best interest!

P.S. She has really claimed her name-wink* (that's another post!)


MERRY CHRISTMAS GUYS & MANY BLESSINGS FROM ABOVE!

Day 2 in Russia...

First and foremost I want to thank everyone for your warm comments and wishes.
You have no idea how reassuring it is from here.

Today..I felt grumpy! It must be close to that time of month cause I am so sensitive and irritable. We walked out of the apartment all bundled up, but took one look around and PANICKED!! Our driver got our key for us last night and we were not paying enough attention I guess..cause we could not figure out how to get to the office to register our visas! Anyway, luckily Peace Travel the company we used to book our apartment with sent someone over..she was very nice and helped us a lot!
I also needed to ask her how to use the washing machine (I already washed Fred's shirt twice, but could not for the life of me figure how to drain the water). Then, we set out again with a map on a mission to eat (it was then like 2pm) so it was lunch more than breakfast...we of course opted for Macdonalds...we suck! It was not difficult ordering there, and the food was fine (maybe even better, but I was hungry).

Mission 2: Red Square...boy did it suck tryuing to get there! It was cold..already getting dark..and no one knew where it was! I tried and tried in my best Russian tpo ask people..they were so pushy, they were so short and frankly we felt so annoying to them! Fred would try and cheer me up by taking pictures..but I felt so frustrated and almost embarressed to try and be happy in such a city. I made Fred feel crappy..which made me feel crappy..it was hard;(

We continued walking..I knew we couldn't be far (our apt is on New Arbat st) but I had been eating crap guys. I had tried to be so prepared..but forgot my Russian adoption book, forgot my Agencu's first trip papers...forgot the maps and places previous adopters had sent to me...damnit..I feel so ridiculous! So we kept walking...further & further...knowing we would probably not be able to find our apartment, but hoped to GOD we would..well, we did make to Red Square. In a funny way really-a young man (I figured I would ask someone younger this time) he looked up and smiled (no one else does usually) he then said "I speak a little english, I will help you". We were so relieved. He directed us to the underground tunnel..but said we were gooing the wrong way this whole time. Fred and I were so confused (we must have asked 8 people..they all said the Gum was the way we were heading). Then out of no where an older lady cuts in front of us, but the young man stopped her and asked in Russian where the 'Krasna Ployshite is' and she laughed and pointed to the direction we were headed??? He then laughed and said he was confused and that we were going the right way..we all laughed and thanked hm a hundred times. Then Fred and I continued, like the lady said...AND FINALLY SAW THE KTEMLIN WALLS! I was so happy! It was much colder and darker by then..but we made it..like after 4 hours (everyone said it'd be 10 minute walk)! When we entered the big gates to see the sight of the lights, trees, the St. Basil's Cathedral, GUM...it was quite a sight..and to see it for ourselves was sometjing else in itself. I really could not think about pictures at that moment..I just had to take everything in, because the day had been so exhausting both physically and mentally..and then emotionally.
Freddy, of course had this smile on his face with his 'Rusky hat' that made me giggle when I would look at him (hard to take him seriously). He pulled out the camera and started snapping away..stopped people in the street to take pics of us..they were a lot more understanding and did so without hesitation. I am happy with the pics..but we should return and take more in the day (if its possible). Also, we did not see the famous church, nor get to go inside of Basil's or GUM and would like this as well.

Anyway, we then walked all the way back (by the way we did not think about the metro because of being too intimidated by the people;) so don't ask please!
Its not all bad though..the cold in itself makes me smile, it reminds me of Canada and playing in the snow with my sis;) We found our apartment with ease, it did not feel as far, we were able to buy things in the little market, but had to go to several for raisers and fruit and chocolate milk THAT FRED INSISTEDF ON LIKE A CHILD! With a little russian it helped to communicate..the rubles is still confusing though. We bought waters (cause you feel very dehydrated here), and we pointed at things we thought we'd like, like breads, pastries and milk. Oh, and Chandra..we pulled a salt in Fred's coffee thing too..I could have sworn it was sugar?

Once we were back in the apartment we were so relieved and it was oh so warm! I made us some coffee and dinner (if you can call bread & pepperoni that)..then got a phone call from a member of the agency's team. I was relieved to hear her voice (because again, it reminded me of why we are here) she was so nice..and she was giggling when I told her about our day..she said it was a familiar story..so it made me feel better and not abnormal. She said we would get picked up at 9:45 AM (our time) to go and meet and be somewhat interviewed (she gave us an idea of what questions) why we wanted to adopt, who would be at home with baby, and Fred's job etc. Then..I felt compelled to ask about some kind of info on our baby girl; (I had to be aggressive all day, so I figured why not ask for some light?) Our team's member said, that- she knew our baby very well:)) WOW! REALLY? She said "yes, yes!" she is from (I don't know if I am allowed to post which baby home but now we know), then she said that she was chubby & healthy, and very CUTE! OUUHHHH! She then said that she was the noisiest in her baby group (sounds like my kid), and that she was naughty even;) Yep, mine! She also said that she was somewhat Eurasian (hmm whatever that means..who cares, I'm THRILLED! She also said that she was attached and alert and will cry! I probably will not sleep tonight. I go over and over what was said about her..and so want to hear more;) Even if she is gonna cry..I want to hear her, see her, and hold her;)


Anyway..here are some pics to enlighten you...I miss my family very much..and just want to kiss my boys so bad!

We're not in Kansas anymore..

Day 1 in Russia


Me Blogging from my phone (I'm tired;)


Okay so a lot to post today...even though we just ARRIVED in MOCKBA!
I can tell you that it has been a looooong trip to my little baby..and we are almost there..but we have been through all kinds of storms. From NY-Paris, and then Paris-Russia...there was delays and cancellations..only GOD could have gotten us here! We are here though, finally. Yes its cold, yes its dark..and yes its Russia.
The bright side is that we flew first class the whole trip on three different planes..weewww I think I would have died otherwise. We spotted our driver right away, and he's a very cool dude! Our apartment is cozy and darling, and my husband and I are on cloud 9 right now, especially coming to a bedroom with pink linens, comforter and playpen right along side the bed;) It caught me off guard really...and gave me the smile I needed.

I found the airport to be a bit of a zoo. People don't smile, they did stare (guess we ugly and short). They also were very pushy..and it almost freightened me. Any Russian I have learned..in those moments made me a blank. I felt overwhelmed..and fatigued...hehe..I missed my mommy! Tomorrow hopefully will be a fun filled day..where we will get snacks and stuff. This is a very big city..and its cold (did I mention that already)? We've called our folks and checked in with the boys who already miss us ;( We miss them too....but when they say "bring Hopee back" I guess its ok to be away for a couple of days..but as a stay at home mother..you go crazy a day away from the babies. Fred says he's worried about me when I get to the orphanage..I'm gonna be a mess!

I do not know how to explain this..but something about the airplane on Aeroflot, and the airport jungle..I just felt like I know why the orphans here need more of us to adopt...I don't know if I will ever be able to be specific enough to highlight what I mean...you just gotta see for yourself I guess. Its another world here...and to be honest it kind of gives me the creeps.